Post number 5 or 6?
I have decided to cut off my ties with everyone. Just end it. I dont want any friends ex lovers, nothing!!! Just no one.. just completely start over. We girls can be very very cruel to each other and be very competitive with eachother. And specially I seem to bring that out of people. I always have girls getting verty competitive with me, not all girls just a few girls. I dont know what it is, but it is there.
Ok maybe I should just say it here because I am not going to admit it anyone else. I am terribly terribly terribly unhappy. I have to take sleeping pills to go to sleep, and then drink coke and red bull to stay awake. I feel like every second is a pain. Oh god I have no idea what direction my life will be going in. I feel like such a failure. My parents have put this intense pressure on me to succeed make tons of money and save them from their financial problems. And i always wanted to, but now I am scared that i am not cut out for it. I feel like I have all these ambitions sometimes and the next I am scared I may not be able to do anything.
Ah what a shitty position of responsibility and pressure for a person to be in if I was smart or had a talent or something then would definately do what i need to, to keep my family happy. But i am really not very smart or have any specific talent. I have met a lot of people that do think I am very smart thought, i have no clue why. My last few jobs my bosses have always had a lot of faith in me, always thought that I had a lot of potential… I feel like I fool people into thinking that, and then I am afraid that I will let them down.
I dont know what to do with my life. What direction I need to go in, what I need to do, what kind of work would make me happy. Aaargghh.. it sucks to not know what to do. And guess it works for some people.. but it just does not work for me.. I feel like I have this intense need and pressure from everywhere to do everything right. And trust me I am always expected to do the right thing. But the thing is I do this to my self. I always put this redicilous standard on my self.
