December 24, 2008
You
Every heartbreak, every disappointment, every tear, every sleepless night, every moment of pain has been worth it because it finally led me to you. To a happiness and love that I could not even imagine I could feel. The security that I so constantly feel with you, every uncertainty and insecurity that existed before you was worth it. Now that I have found you, I know I never have to feel any of those feelings again, and I will live the rest of my life in security, certainty and infinate happiness and intense and everlasting love between us. I am so thankful that my life has finally led me to you and I am so thankful for all your love, trust, compassion, understanding, kindness and happiness.
December 10, 2008
pain
Life has given me a life long of sadness; whatever weather it has given, it has given me rain; gave me stones in every way. Even my own have become strangers…..many many mistakes I have made. Life has always been difficult for me, never has it established a friendship with me. When ever we met, it has given the gifts of tears, given me very very less chances of laughter…. Life has given me a lifelong of sadness; whatever weather it is has given it has given me rain.
Wow, this is a very very rough translation of a song that I absolutely love. To be able to write such thing, can you imagine the magnitude of sadness. Sometimes we may not be able to celebrate in someones happiness, but I tryly believe most of us can feel the sadness around us. At least I can feel the pain, and sadness in a sad heart. I will never forget a night at 3 a.m. one of my closest friends called me crying because her fiance had broken off their engagement….my god I dont think I have ever felt such pain coming from anyone. It was heart breaking and I could feel every second of it.
Anyways, pain is relevent, we dont all find the same things painful. The same thing that my bring me down to my knees you may not be even slightly affected by. But when we feel our specific pain,…. Good God… there could be nothing worse than that. Sometimes a broken promise, a broken heart is sooooo much more painful than any broken bone.
I am in such a bind, in this terrible economy I have a good paying job but I am absolutely unhappy at. Everyone I talk to tells me not to quit, everyone tells me ” so many people have lost thier jobs, they would kill to be in your position” and I know I should be grateful and try to stay strong and stay with my job….but it gets so difficult sometimes. Oh god help me please….help me make the right choice, please show me the right way.
I am not a religious person, but I do believe in god, with my whole heart… even when I am unhappy and complaining and mad at god I still believe…. when no one can help me…or when I have no one to be happy with and thank…he is in my thoughts and in my mind. I truly do believe that god has always only given me what I have been able to handle….no matter how terrible my sorrow, he has always given me a outlet to forget my pain, he has always given me a shoulder to cry on. Like the story about the foot prints on sand, when I have had no strength to walk on my own, I have still made it across the desert….he has always been there to carry me. Thank you god. I dont know what I would do without my faith in him. And I truly believe that he is here with me now, and when I am no longer able to walk on my own he will carry me and see me through.
November 23, 2008
dont know
I miss my mom. I hate how things are right now. I am sick, think I have strep. I am alone, and I am disappointed in people I thought were my friends. I am so tired. I just want everything to stop. Just Stop!
November 13, 2008
Post number 4
So very random thought!!
I am originally a from a foreign country. And obviously my parents would like me to date or marry someone from my country. All parents seem to prefer this for their kids, they feel that commonality makes things easy for their kids. But it may not always be true. I have a really hard time meeting guys from my country that I feel I click with, there have been very very very few of them and I always see them as only a friend cause I am not attracted to them at all. Its so sad, there are a lot of very pretty girls from where I am from, but almost no good looking guys. I know looks arent everything…but lets be honest here people looks matter. You have to be attracted to the person, and what do I do if I just am not attracted to anyone that I have met from my country. The guys are pretty lucky though… even really bad looking guys usually end up with quite pretty girls. How am I supposed to go from dating modelish guys to …..short, not in shape…and usually unattractive guys……OUCH!!! very mean I know….but it is what it is.
November 11, 2008
Post number 3
So I talked to my boss today and am very glad I did so. I told him that I am capable of more and I want more. What boss does not love to hear that. So my boss did indeed give me more work. Also I kinda expressed that there may be rift between my assistant and I, and he said I shouldnt be worried about it. He understands we are different types of people, and does not expect us to be all buddy buddy as long as she does what any work assingments I may have for her. Anyways… it all went well. I am so happy I had the talk. And now I have more work to do which will keep me busy. Yaay… but I did check how much it would cost me if I had to cancel my lease and such… Anyways.. I am super exausted today. I think I am have strep… oh god I hope not that would just suck!!!
November 10, 2008
Post number 2
Ok the last post for the night.
My very good friend and I were having problems. We were living together for a little over a year and a few months before I decided to move for my job we started having this weird unspoken thing between us. There was no one moment of big fight, no confrontation…just a feeling of uneasy distance between us. And as time went on it just got worse. Anyways I keep thinking that hopefully we can make it better, and sometimes if feels like it is getting better…like we are getting back to our normal selves and then something happens and things just go back to not being ok. Anyways when I think of my future or of anything I want to do I always see her as a part of it. I dont know why our relationship is not the same anymore, but its a shame.
Anyways when I was crying at work on firday, I wrote her a msg and she called me immediately and it made me feel so much better just to talk to her. Man I missed my friend. Anyways yesterday I went to visit her at her parents house, it was kinda good to hang out to her and her family….they have always been very nice to me. It seems like when its just us things are just great, but when any of our other friends get involved something happens and we are not the same anymore. A mutual friend of ours is leaving to go back to Europe and I specifically asked her to call me when she was with him so that I could say good bye to him as well and I guess she forgot. And for some reason that bothers me. Sometimes I expect perfection from the people I care for and when they fall short I am not very forgiving. Maybe that is why things went bad between us, because I expected too much from her. Well actually, I expect from people what I am willing to do for them, or I expect from people what I expect from my self. I cant hold people to a standard that I have set for my self. Anyways I am sorry!!!
Post number 1
So I am going to be numbering my posts because they are not going to be about any specific things. It will just be totally random. I will just write what I am thinking of at the moment. hhmm…like a collection of the worlds worst essays. Yup…I think this is what this is “world’s worst essays”
So I moved to a new city recently. And oh goodness I am having a terrible time. Maybe that is why I am writing this, to try to avoid this all encompassing feeling of intense loneliness. I moved here for a job, a job that I am completely lost at. (Shit, I am having this need to cry, its been happening since I moved here…its like a permanent state of PMSing….anyways I dont cry..this time) So yeah.. about my job, well its hhmm how do I put this, well its not what I expected. And not only is my job not what I expected, the girls at my job dont make it very easy. For some reason they have decided that they dont like me… well I dont know, no one is unkind or anything but sometimes you can just feel it. I think my assistant does not like me… and everyone likes her so that makes everyone dislike me by association. Dont worry, she is a nice girl. I dont think she says anything bad about me or even is trying to make anyone dislike me…but it seems to just have happened. Well for instance the girls will all go to lunch together and not invite me… well to their credit they dont invite a very nice other girl too. Or they are always forwarding eachother jokes and I never get it. Or they always have wispered conversations and laughs and I am never included in any.Its like highschool, the popular girls form a clique and exclude anyone they think unworthy…it just feels very uncomfortable when you are supposed to be the Manager and your assistant is more popular. Dont get me wrong, I am not jealous though it sounds like it. Trust me I wrote this blog to be completely honest… and I am being completely honest. I like her, I think she is smart, and has a lot of potential, I just wish we could work together instead of her feeling like she has to compete with me. But the environment at work makes it almost impossible not to. Nothing is structured, no formal training, no direction nothing. So in light of these circumstances I think we may both be in a situation where we are just trying to find some work to do and make ourselves useful and noticed in the company. I think if the situation was better we would be able to work very very well. She is actually a pretty cool person. Anyways.. basically the environment at works sucks, friday I actually ended up crying. EEkkkhhh… how pathetic I know. By the way I usually act very strong, very nonchalant like nothing bothers me, it couldnt be further from the truth. (oh by the way just in case you think I am some nerdy, geeky, looserish looking girl, I am not (and I am saying this without any dillusion. I have been told that I am quite beautiful and I sometimes believe it. maybe I will post a picture someday)
I think I am going to talk to my boss tomorrow. I think I need to tell him that I need more work to do, its driving me crazy to not have some kind of structured things to do. Hopefully he will have some grand ideas, and not get pissed at me. Oh crap! am I thinking of the right thing to do??? hhhmmm oh yes I am. Everything will be fine. Everything will be fine, everything will be grand and things will works out perfectly (Can you tell I have read and watched “The Secret”?). Yup life is fantastic…lol.
Anyways, so now I am in this new city, with a job I am not so crazy about, no friends, (well a couple of friends but no one that I have really really clicked with and can call up and talk and do boring stuff together with) no food in my fridge (I have been eating ramon noodles, that is some good bad food) and very lonley. Oh but I do have a very nice big apartment. I dont know why I got this place. When I moved I had these grand ideas of how I will decorate this place and how I will have people over and how I will have parties here. HHmmm one thing I forgot to think of…who will be my guest? Now I just have a nice big place that I pay a lot for with no one visiting. Aaagghhh crap now it is a sob story. Oh well its my freaking blog and if I wish to have a sob story I very well WILL. oohhh…maybe I have this blog because i whish to have some control over my life.
Hello world!
Hello world indeed. I have been having one of those feelings, when your heart is pounding, your hand is numb and you feel like you are going to throw up..cause the funny feeling in my stomach just wont go away…phew!!!. And really there is no need for it at all. Nothing horrible has happened or nothing wonderful either. I am at home in my bed, watching the most random things on TV… a mondanely normal night, in a mondanely normal person’s life. But for some strange reason I am having this intense need to write. I have no clue why I am writing this blog. I have nothing to offer, I am not a good writer (actually a pretty bad one, eehh I made a B in my english class in highschool, but my teacher gave me the “H” award because she thought I was the student in the class that made the most effort…trust me I made no effort. I have always gone through life making the least amount of effort. I am one of those people who does ok, for some strange reason…but never very good. Everything is always just ok, not good…not terrible. Just mundane!!) Anyways, this blog is just for me to rant… just for me to write down my thoughs because I dont want to express to anyone specific, but I have this intense feeling to get it out, or I feel like I will explode..or just throw up!! Oh by the way I always have tons of dots (…) in my writing. I dont know why, its completely useless. My friend Nico says I am the only person he knows that uses that many dots when she writes…
Oh something really funny, so while I am having this super heart pounding, nauseating feeling. MTV is having a true life show about people that have panic attacks…and they describe the panic attacks as what I am feeling right now. But I dont think I am having any panic attack….just a funny feeling in my tummy.
Anyways, basically if some poor soul reads this blog I am so sorry. You must be suffering from more boredom than possibly imagineable. Oh by the way, I will be making plently of grammatical and spelling errors. I strive on errors, thats what makes life interesting.
